i am motivated.
i am thankful.
i am glad.
i am contented.
i am happy.

but.

i am also confused.
i am also pissed.
i am also upset.
i am also disappointed.

i am also ultimately disgusted.

yucks.

oversensitivity? i guess so.

but i am still disgusted.



hahah.. didn't go to school in the morning because i had family matters to tend to. but i still went back for Orientation Two Debrief and Welfare Meeting. which lasted shorter than i expected.

and it was so funny because mr david wong kept urging the councilors to settle down and STUDY! but on the other hand it kinda puts alot of pressure on us to like. OK WE MUST START STUDYING NOW NOW NOW. panic panic. but we end up NOT doing anything abt it. hahaha.. it's just so ironic. and we're required to fill up our grade form for the council teachers when we get our BT1 grades back (which i DUN EVER wanna get back. they can shred it all if they want to). hahaha. it's gonna be horrible! haiya.

that day we were just discussing when i was on the train home with jing xiu and qian hui. i guess it's ok to do not so well this time. because we speculated we will do badly, thats why we came up with this set of thinking to console and motivate ourselves.

BT1 - 3Ds
BT2 - 3Cs
Prelims - 3Bs
A Levels - 3As

hahaha. yes. so we won't peak at the wrong time. we shall peak at As. hahah. HOPEFULLY so. ah oh wells. i have decided to start mugging again next week. so i shall enjoy this week to the fullest FIRST. heh.

oh and so after council today was dinner with my usual grp of councilors - huis, pong, jingxiu, james etc etc. and on the way to the hawker centre james "introduced" a song called The Rainbow Connection to jingxiu and i. sang by Kermit the Frog. YES the muppet. haha. at first we were like WTH?! cannot hear! and poor james had to entertain us by singing out the lyrics. BUT still. unclear. and so i asked for the song and searched for the lyrics! i tink it's kinda meaningful. so yeaps.

The Rainbow Connection
written by Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions.
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
... Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name....
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,La laa la la laa dee daa doo...

and i love stargazing! each time when it turns dark i'll look up into the sky and see if there's any stars. and somehow looking at a blanket of stars just calms me down. esp now our sch at Potong Pasir. whenever it turns dark there's just SO many stars! haha.. oh wells. i will tink abt the song lyrics. but thank you "ja-mu-si" for the wonderful recommendation. thanks FRIEND! (:

oh and it was great i managed to relive my convent days. because pong, cais, huis and i just started the F language all over again! haha. i used to do that in sch. i guess it's quite common in girls schools. hah. it's nothing vulgar la. it's hard to explain. but i tink those guys at dinner tonight just got to know abt it today. haha.

all i wanna say is. i'm very tired! both physically and mentally. i tink many of my dear frens around me feel that way too. and i tink when stepping down comes i will feel so like empty because council has played such a major role in my JC life! haha. but oh wells. i'm looking forward to running the relay for council for SAJC Annual Track and Field 2006! so disappointing i don't get to do ANY of my field events because of CERTAIN reasons. DAMN.

i'm off.



ok. i shall start off by saying. pls do not be surprised if i do not update my blog often now because i really do not like using blogspot! urgh. i typed a freaking long entry and it took me quite awhile. and when i clicked on the publish post button everything was GONE. i was like WTH. YUCKS! i miss diary-x SO MUCH. gosh! as quoted:

Xun: diary x arh diary x.. we miss you..
our new wives cheat our feelings..
Sher: oh yes we do.
Xun: okay ur new husband. HUSBAND LAH.

hahah.. i tink Xun's gonna laugh his head off when he reads this. hahaha. but yarh. i really miss diary-x! RAH. so yes.

next, hmm blocks are over. i'm glad. though i dunno how i will do but hopefully it's satisfactory. i dun need it to be excellent.

and just in case you pple think i was having fun for the past 2days because i dun have to go to sch (dun haf papers) on friday and monday. no i wasn't. i was at my grandpa's wake. yeaps. it's rather upsetting to like attend 2 wakes within 5mths losing both grandpas to the same disease. and i was really affected by this recent passing on of my grandpa because i didn't get to talk to him or visit him when he was hospitalised on tues. damn the blocks. URGH.

and it was also partly my fault because obviously i ranked my priorities wrongly. i went out after blocks on thurs instead of going to the hospital. when my mum actually asked me to go home early so that we could go down to the hospital. i actually told her "why today? i could go tmr as well. since im not going to sch tmr".

but on thurs itself. i was on the train at 6plus. and i just had an impulse to call home and say "let's go to the hospital tonight". i dunno why. and i just thank God for that impulse because if not for that, i would not even be there the moment when my grandpa has passed on. although i was late, i could only see him when he has already stopped breathing (because the nurses were cleaning him up when i reach so i couldn't go in). i was glad i got to be there. and i really really felt like. SHIT. i didn't get to even talk to him for the last time and without letting him see me for the last time. and he still asked my mum abt me during his 3day stay in hospital. my mum said i had exams so i couldn't be there. i felt really regretful. really. i actually could've been there earlier on thurs but i bloodily went gallavanting. damn. i know my mum was rather upset with me about this. but none of us expected my grandpa to pass on so quickly. it was just too sudden. so yarh she has sort of forgiven me abt this. but i still feel rather bad.

if only i knew i would have gone home immediately after my bio. if only i knew that i shld not take for granted that he will live for one more day, which apparently he didn't. IF ONLY IF ONLY. there's too many IF ONLYs. i've learnt a lesson i could have learnt even before losing a loved one. it's so easy yet it's so hard to learn it unless u experienced it.

so people, if there's something u wanna do, do it today. do it now. do not wait till tmr because u really do not know what unexpected things will happen tmr. and you might regret for the rest of ur life. suddenly i realise the room which my grandpa stayed in at my grands place feel so cold. although i wasn't really close to him but i grew up with him around all along. and now that he's gone his room feel so empty and so cold. i kinda miss his presence but i guess moving on in life is a must and he shall live in my memories.

off to sch tmr. sians. i hate the hectic life. i really do. urgh.



finally. my LIFELESS routine is coming to an end. this is what i did for the past week.

wake up.
breakfast/lunch (depending on what time i wake up)
1hr tv.
MUG.
1hr tv.
dinner.
MUG.
sleep.

HOW LIFELESS IS THAT!! MY GOSH. and i can't believe i actually survived it! yes i did. although i almost DIED. hah. and although not all studied is in my brain now. but wells. there's SOME. hah.

and this is only the BLOCKS. imagine the ALEVELS. gosh. i really wonder how i'm gonna survive. well. guess we will see.

BLOCKS in 2days. eeks. but i shall look on the brighter side. there's SO MANY THINGS i wanna do after BLOCKS!

shopping with my dear yingli (i'm DYING to shop. and she's ALWAYS my best partner for that. i so love her (: )
eat with gen (and friends maybe? but gen's for sure)
and my secret date with my beloved jingxiu (*winks)
and of course hanging out with other pple like huis, pong, cais etc.

oh and of cuz thanks for all the encouragement msgs sent by my fellow friends like yingli, gen, jingxiu, huis etc etc. thank you thank you. i'm really motivated by those msgs!

and of course. MARSHMELLOWS and SMARTIES! i love (: (hmm. i guess this part only jingxiu, gen and maybe chase knows la har?)

alrights. i'm back to mugging. i will just do what i can, do my best, and i believe God with do the rest!

If You Believe, You Will Receive. [Mark 11:24]

so. there can be miracles when you believe~.. hahaha!

i'm gone!



orientation finally came to a close on thurs night.

could be my very last major council event. good or bad? hmm i dunno.

good. i have more time to focus on my studies and catch up on what i've missed.

bad. my council term is coming to an end. and i dun wan it to ever end because i feel so attached to the councilors.

RAH.

oh wells. BT1 is in 9days time and i'm here blogging. what the hell. i ought to be mugging!!

there're too many times when i told myself i can do it and i must do it. but there's just a part of me that is just too tired.

it's all mental!! haha.

was just talking to xun online. and i find that i can fully understand how he feels. tired. wells. we can pull thru! (:

oh yes. do not digress.

ORIENTATION TWO. it was a blast la!! TELLERIA WON!! yes! our dynamite and hakka cheers was so intimidating we won!! WOOHOO! shioks. and the disco. although the hall was still kinda bright la. but u can see all the councilors going mad while on duty as well. hahahah! we just need a channel to let out stress. haha.. super fun. i will miss orientation. both being in it and conducting it.

that night after finale those councilors taking bio SPA were super stressed having to take SPA the very next day. we tried all our means to contact teachers to see whether if it's possible to change shifts and stuff. nothing seemed to be going right. and some of us were so stressed up we broke down. like WOW. seriously. SPA has nvr been seen as something SO important before. never before. haha. and i prayed again. hard.

and i thank God so much that the next morning i find myself sitting in the AVA with the rest of the councilors taking bio SPA and those who were in the first shift were shifted to either 2nd or 3rd shift. honestly. that couple of hours did matter. and im glad my skill D was ok though my skill C was still screwed nvrtheless. haha. well it's over at least i can heave a sigh of relief.

alrights. i shall stop here. i dun have much high hopes this time but BT1 HERE I COME. i am motivated. i can do it. i must do it. and i will. (like real) haha kiddin.

ciaos!



ok. so sad. my diary-x blog is like permanently closed! so.. please relink me!

i wanted like CHANMALICHAN or something. but i tried SO MANY combinations (like maths P&C) and all are taken. so i gave up.

and my layout makes me think of the song ONE WAY by HILLSONGS. haha! but i kinda agree to the layout. it's quite true. life is like a one way street. there's not turning back once you've set foot on something. you just have to push on no matter whether you like it or not. whether it is enjoyable or not. you just have to do it.

ohgosh i feel so weird typing with blogspot! rah.

anyways. yes regarding Valentine's Day. i'm too lazy to blog about it because it's like so LONG AGO. but it was GOOD! (: it was the only vday i received so many roses. like 8! woohoo! but 6 were from IAN. thank you so much. i really appreciate them! heh.

well as usual. Orientation TWO is coming up. and council is like BUSY all over again. i'm 17days away from BLOCK TEST 1. YET i've SO MUCH to cover. i'm so stressed now! especially when the seniors collected their results!

we were like ALRIGHT. our target is to meet in the centre of the hall and flash our results PROUDLY saying we've got 3 As! or 4As! and PARTY till mad or something. but all that have to come with a price i guess. which means. less play. less sleep. less slacking. less crapping. it's just mug mug mug and more mugging. YUCKS. but for the sake of As. ohwells.

oh and i took some pretty cool photos while at macs for dinner with councilors. using my phone and james' phone. darn cool! shall post it next time. and those who stayed to study awhile after dinner (me, james, derek, huis, cais n kenneth) we were like talking abt the exams and stuff. really stressful!!

and it's like i feel that time really really flies. it's like 3mths is just GONE like THAT. seriously it was like nothing happened!! mygoodness. and in 4mths time, we're stepping down from council. in 8mths time we'll be sitting for the BIG ALVLS. and in 12mths time we'll be collecting our results. WTH. too fast already!! shucks.

alrights. anyways erm the photos will be back up soon. imagestation is not co-operating with me at the moment. hah.

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

i'm off to study! see ya.